Do not leave me
by Foxfeather
Summary: Frodo feels lonely (Merry/Frodo)


Title: Do not leave me

Author: Foxfeather

E-mail: alwest@cityweb.de

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Frodo feels lonely

Pairing: Frodo/Merry, Sam/Rosie implied

A/N: Not my first story, but my first LotR-story! Thanks a lot to my beta, Linilya, and to all other people who offered to beta this fic!

Disclaimer: Tolkien forever! I don't own the hobbits, even if I really liked to. (Being visited by them would do, too...)

Archives: My own page ( http://homepages.compuserve.de/HSKAW675/index.htm ), if I manage to update it, and anybody else who wants it, if he/she tells me where!

Comments: Please! Off- or on-list, as you prefer!

*~~*~~*

It was spring in the Shire; the first spring for little Elanor Gamgee, and it would be the last one Frodo Baggins of Bag End would live to see there.

Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took had come for a visit from Buckland to see the little girl and, as was not to be expected otherwise, the little one had wrapped them around her baby-fingers in no time. As she did with everyone who looked into her rosy face.

Around midday on the second day of their visit, Pippin was occupied with Elanor. He held her in his lap and whispered words to her that only babies could comprehend. And Elanor beamed at him and wrapped her hand around his finger and tried to put it in her mouth. Frodo and Merry leaned against the wall next to the fireplace and watched them. In the kitchen they heard Sam and Rosie preparing lunch.

"When will the next of us set up a family, eh?" Merry mused.

Frodo's face clouded, but lightened a second later with a somehow forced smile. "Pippin is thinking about this at the moment, aren't you, Pippin?"

Pippin's head jerked up and he stared at Frodo with a look of horror in his eyes. "Me? Marrying? How do think of that?"

Frodo pointed his head at little Elanor. "She suits you, you know? Such a small bundle of hobbit, to whom you could teach all of your pranks and tricks…"

Merry laughed out loud at Pippin's shocked expression and tugged at Frodo's sleeve. "Come on, give him time to think about it. A married Pippin, what times of peace that would be!" With a wide grin on his face Merry dodged a stuffed animal of Elanor's that Pippin had thrown at him and pushed Frodo along with him. "Let's see if we can be of help in the kitchen."

Frodo smiled, opened the door that lead to the kitchen and stopped dead in his tracks. Merry, having tossed the stuffed animal back to Pippin, ran straight into him. "What…"

In front of the hearth stood Sam and Rosie, absorbed in a passionate kiss. Merry wanted to make a comment when he noticed that Frodo had begun to tremble. His face became clouded with a veil of sadness and hurt that Merry didn't know to interpret. Then Rosie noticed them and Frodo straightened up and smiled at her.

Sam turned around and blushed when he saw Merry and Frodo in the doorway. Merry punched Frodo in the ribs. "What do you think? What grade do they get for this? A B? Or better an A minus?"

Frodo cleared his throat and shrugged.

"Okay, you're right. An A minus. The minus for letting us interrupt you!" Merry turned to Sam and Rosie.

Sam turned even redder than before and Rosie grinned and waved her wooden spoon at Merry. "You would have liked that, eh, Mr. Merry? Don't you think it's time that you search for somebody to kiss for yourself instead of watching other people kissing?"

Merry scratched his head. "Didn't we talk about that earlier?"

Frodo had gottenhold of himself again by now. "Can we help you?"

Merry stared at him indignantly. "Mr. Frodo! Don't you think they can do that alone? They managed to get Elanor on their own, too, or didn't they?"

Now Sam was close to hiding under the table.

Rosie gave a little laugh. Then she helped Frodo, who had turned an interesting shade of red, out of his fix. "It's all right, Mr. Frodo, we're nearly finished here. If I can manage to lure Sam out of his hiding place."

Frodo stepped into the kitchen and past her to one of the cupboards. "If we can't help you with the cooking," he gave Merry a dry look, "then at least let us lay the table."

He put a stack of plates into Merry's hands and maneuvered him into the dining room. The words " So it's called cooking today," could be heard, then the door closed behind them.

~*~

Lunch was quiet, for the presence of a child, even if she was still a baby, held Merry's tongue.

In the course of the afternoon Merry noticed again and again how Frodo watched Sam and Rosie when they weren't looking and again and again this look of hurt came to his eyes. The watched ones didn't notice anything, and Pippin was so fascinated with Elanor that he wouldn't have noticed had Aragorn and Arwen been standing next to him. But Merry started to think about it.

~*~

That evening Pippin had watched Elanor sleep long enough to fall asleep himself. Frodo sent Sam and Rosie to bed, too, saying that they had done enough for today and that he would clean up. Merry grinned about that and Sam started to blush again. Rosie grinned roguishly at her husband and picked Elanor up. Sam pulled Pippin to his feet and steered him to his bed. Merry said that he was not yet tired and helped Frodo to clean up the room.

When everybody else had gone to bed and Bag End looked halfway presentable again, Merry leaned back against the wall and looked at Frodo. "Well, my dear Frodo, what is wrong with you?" he asked him.

Frodo threw him a puzzled look. "What do you mean?"

"Do you think I wouldn't notice you watching Sam and Rosie? What is going on?"

Frodo's face darkened and his hand went up to his throat. "Nothing's up. They are happy with each other. It's like they were meant to be together." He turned his back to Merry and fingered the neckline of his shirt.

Like back when he still wore the ring. Merry suddenly understood. "And that's why you look at them as if their sight is stabbing you like a knife?" Frodo's head jerked up, but he still didn't look at Merry. 

Merry went on. "I know what's up, Frodo. You are lonely. When you carried the ring you started to draw back from us. To save us from the influence of the ring. But too, because the ring started to control you, right, Frodo? Because you became distrustful. Because you were afraid we would take the ring away from you! You mistrusted all of us, all but Sam. And you still do not trust us, am I right? You are still keeping us away from you. You are with us, but you are no longer a part of us. You just watch, but you aren't involved. The only one you let come close was Sam. And now that Sam is married and has a family you feel betrayed. He left you! The only one whom you trusted the whole time has betrayed you!"

Frodo had started to tremble. One hand was balled into a fist at his side, the other one clutched Galadriel's glass phial.

Merry stepped forward and placed his hand on Frodo's shoulder. "Frodo?"

With a choked sob Frodo slumped down as if his legs refused to carry him any longer. Merry caught him and held him.

His voice thick with tears, Frodo began to speak. "Oh, Merry! You're right! You're so right! It hurts! I feel like a stranger here. I'm not alone, there's always Sam or Rosie or Elanor and I'm so happy for Sam, but still I feel more lonely than I did when I lived all on my own here in Bag End! They do everything for me, they take care of me like I'm part of their family, but it seems, so… so wrong to me! I feel like an intruder. Perhaps they will be happier when I leave…"

Merry turned Frodo around, hugged him tight and shook his head. "Don't you think about that, Frodo! Sam would be beside himself if you left!"

"But I feel that way, Merry! I feel like I am a shell, empty and lost. I'm no longer a real hobbit, not inside of me. This is no longer my place. I don't fit in here, and it hurts, Merry, it hurts so much!"

Frodo's voice was muffled by Merry's clothes. He still trembled and his hands clutched Merry's shoulders.

"Does Sam know about this, Frodo?"

Shocked, Frodo jerked away from Merry. His eyes wide with horror and red from his tears he stared at him. "No! Elbereth, no! He must never know about this! And Rosie, too! They would blame themselves! Rosie would feel like an intruder who has pushed herself between Sam and me, and Sam had had difficulties enough deciding whether he should marry Rosie or not! If they knew how I feel it would destroy their happiness! No! They must never learn about it. Do you promise me this, Merry? Promise it!"

The last words he nearly shouted. He had grabbed Merry's arms and started to shake the other hobbit.

"I promise it, Frodo! I promise! They will never learn a word of it from me!"

Merry grabbed Frodo and pulled him close. Frodo clung to him like a drowning man and let his tears flow freely now. Merry stroked his hair and rocked him gently. Silently, he cursed the ring for the fate it had brought upon Frodo. The thing was powerful enough to destroy Frodo's life, even now that it was destroyed itself.

Merry didn't know how long he had crouched with Frodo in his arms on the cold stone floor when he heard him whisper something.

"What did you say?"

"Merry, don't leave me alone..."

"I won't Frodo, I won't..."

Merry leaned forward and kissed Frodo tenderly on the head. "I will stay with you, Frodo…"

Blind with tears, Frodo lifted his head and kissed Merry lightly on the lips. Surprised, Merry tensed and opened his eyes wide. Instantly, Frodo moved away from him. He crouched down to sit on his heels and embraced himself. "I… I'm sorry, Merry, I…" He stopped and stared down to the floor at his feet. A shadow crossed his face.

Merry blinked, then grabbed Frodo's arms and pulled him close before he could retreat further.

"Frodo! I meant what I said! I simply was surprised that you… I hadn't thought you would…" Frustrated that he couldn't find the right words, he pulled Frodo closer and kissed him again. The hunger and desperation with which Frodo was answering him shocked the younger hobbit deeply. What had to have been eating at Frodo all that time that had caused such desperation, such need!

Merry decided that he would do anything that stood in his power to ease Frodo's pain.

After an immeasurable amount of time, Frodo released him. "Do not leave me…"

It was a question and Merry answered it by getting up and pulling Frodo up to his feet, too. Without another word he led Frodo to his bedroom. They undressed in silence and crawled under Frodo's blankets. Frodo cuddled up to his cousin immediately. Protected by Merry's arms he soon fell asleep.

Merry was wide-awake and watched Frodo's sleep-softened features. He sensed that this would be one of the last times he would have left to look at it.

~*~

The next morning Frodo had overcome his crisis. He started to thank Merry, but he was stopped by Merry's fingers against his lips. So he just smiled at him and kissed him lovingly one last time, then he got up and started to dress.

Nobody noticed that Frodo started his day with much more energy that he had before. Only Merry noticed the change and he understood that his suspicions were correct. In a time not far away, Frodo would leave them all and never come back.

The end


End file.
